


Sandy Evenings

by Gabriel_JS



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, M/M, Sexual Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-25
Updated: 2015-05-12
Packaged: 2018-02-06 05:47:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1846621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gabriel_JS/pseuds/Gabriel_JS
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan is worried about Shepard playing hide-and-seek. And he doesn't like the secrets that are brought to light.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Agin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agin/gifts).



> I would like to gift this work to Agin as a "Thank you" for one night on the edge of an abyss.  
> Btw this is the first story I have written. Ever. Please try to be understanding. ;-)

Shepard is standing in front of the mirror in his own bathroom leaning on the sink, head bent down, eyes closed. Thinking. He feels cold touch of the metal under his palms and cold water running down his face to his neck and under his T-shit. As if everything is cold this early morning, even him.

He lifts his head eventually, opens his eyes and turns around trying really hard to avoid looking in the mirror. He knows what he would see. And he doesn't want to. His facial scars - almost healed during previous weeks - start to be visible again. He touches this wrinkled skin of his cheek knowing where it comes from and immediately he feels sick. His body is shivering with disgust.

Just half a second later Shepard is kneeling at the toilet and vomiting.

"Do you need medical attention, commander?" EDI asks without emotions in her voice as always.

It takes few moments before Shepard is able to speak. "No, EDI. I am okay," he answers her, still bent over the toilet bowl, breathing hard. "Thank you, EDI," he adds politely while cleaning his lips with his left hand.

"Understood," EDI replies and that's it. No more concerns. No hesitation to believe, no more questions and suggestions. Shepard appreciates that.

He knows he has to stand up and so he does. He washes out his mouth and hands, quickly checks his face and clothes for any traces revealing what just happened. Nothing is found and Shepard leaves bathroom to go downstairs and takes one data-pad from the desk that is actually overflowing with data-pads. So many reports to fill and even more to read. And all these numbers he is running to know that nothing is overlooked. Shepard gives a sigh but starts to work. No matter how tired he is or how sick he feels it's his duty to take care of ... everything. Everyone. Especially…

 ** _Stop thinking about him!_** He issues an order to himself and surprisingly his mind obeys this time.

He may be working for hours now and he is concentrated on his work so much that he doesn't pay any attention to the sound of opening doors and footsteps coming near.

"Commander," Kaidan greets his CO quietly trying not to startle him. And doesn't succeed. Shepard jerks and knocks a coffee cup over. Fortunately it’s empty.

"Sorry, Commander," Kaidan says quickly and tries to reach the cup that is going to fall down from the desk. Shepard is faster. Their fingers touch and that sensation makes Shepard's heart to skip a beat. He puts the cup back and uses this short time to calm himself down. Or try to.

"Major," he greets Kaidan in a low voice while he stands up from the desk. "What can I do for you?" he asks, confidently leaning on the desk, folding his arms on his chest still fighting to find his peace of mind. Kaidan is intruding his personal space and Shepard feels uneasy, still doesn’t move anywhere.

"EDI told me that you hadn't felt very well and when you didn't come down..." Kaidan doesn't finish his sentence and Shepard frowns. **_Hah, no hesitations to believe, right?_** He needs to have a talk with EDI later.

"I am perfectly fine. Nothing to worry about," he gives an assurance and smiles, only a little, not to provoke other man's feelings.

Kaidan stares at him mistrustfully. "Shepard," he hesitates. "John..." starts again with soft voice full of concern. "Please don't lie to me. I'm not blind," he really tries not to annoy Shepard any more.  He holds out his hand to touch Shepard's shoulder but stops just inch or two from it, looking for hint of approval. Kaidan might acknowledge his feelings to Shepard and his commander didn’t turn down him, but, as far as Shepard has been more reserved since that day in Apollo’s Café, Kaidan is not going to overstep any unspoken rules. **_Maybe he has made his decision … Maybe he doesn’t want me. But… It’s Shepard. Wouldn’t he tell me?_** Hoping - **_knowing_** \- that Shepard wouldn’t play any dirty games with him, he holds still and waits.

Shepard is watching Kaidan’s hand, longing to close this ridiculous tiny gap between them, to feel Kaidan’s touch. And more. Stroke his hair. More. Taste his lips. Much more. Rip his uniform open. More. Force an entry. **_MORE!_** Instead of that he shakes his head, rubs his forehead and gives a sigh. "I really am okay, major. Just tired," he insists and points to the piles of data-pads behind his back as an excuse.

"Nah, " Kaidan makes a sound of dissatisfaction but gives up for now. He knows better. "Okay, Shepard, I’ll go. Just promise me at least to eat something," he says giving a faint smile at Shepard’s surprised expression when he handles him one of his spare protein bars. Sometimes his CO makes such a funny faces. Shepard takes the bar cautiously treating it as IED.

"C’mon Shepard, it’s just a protein bar. It’s not going to kill you," Kaidan jokes and turns to leave captain’s cabin.

"Thank you, major," Shepard says quickly trying to overcome an urgent feel of loss when Kaidan takes first steps away from him.  Kaidan turns again and keeps going backwards. "Anytime, commander," he puts great emphasis on Shepard’s rank to let him know that he has noticed his strict addressing him as a major. "Anytime," he repeats. **_And I mean it._**

With these words he departs from captain’s cabin, leaving Shepard with his own thoughts.

Commander is looking after him even when the door is closed and he can’t see him anymore. He places Kaidan’s protein bar next to his empty cup and smiles. It is nice to know that there is somebody who cares back although... He clears his throat. He feels ashamed. He needs to find a way from all the mess. Somehow. One day.

He starts to work and stops again to eat that bar. He didn’t promise but… The taste is awful and still he enjoys it better than any food that he ate during recent weeks.

Unfortunately his positive attitude doesn’t last.


	2. Chapter 2

Shepard is dreaming and it is one of these dreams again. Moving slowly, listening to voices of people that he has left behind. He is  desperately trying to catch a small kid that he saw at the beginning of the Reapers invasion on the Earth. He escapes him constantly, all the time he is ahead of Shepard. Shepard knows that it’s only a dream. He knows. And it doesn’t matter. He is guilty as charged by these voices of his former squad members, his friends. He wants to tell them he is sorry. He wants to apologize. He wants to explain. He wants… But it doesn't matter what he wants, his own body doesn’t obey. The only thing he can actually do is to keep moving. Every step, every movement is so slow that it is almost painful. And there he goes. He takes one last turning and the kid is suddenly standing right in front of him and … **_No!_** This is one of THESE dreams - Kaidan is standing next to that boy and both of them are swallowed by flames.

Shepard wakes up with a scream. And it is not the first time he does. He sweats, his fingers tremble, actually his whole body is shivering and he feels beaten and sick. Again. This time he is not fast enough to run to the bathroom and he doesn’t even try. He simply rolls himself on his side and out of the bed, landing on the cold metal ground, hurting his knees, gasping for a breath and vomiting involuntarily. Again.

At least it doesn’t take a long time as there is almost nothing in Shepard’s stomach. The true is that he didn’t eat yesterday and day before and very probably the day before that day either. He is living just from so-called-coffee with dehydrated cream that he prepares for himself in the mess hall on the third deck, and distasteful protein bars – just because Kaidan has developed a habit to leave them on Shepard’s desk from time to time. Well, these and … Shepard fixes his eyes on his bedside table drawer keeping his dirty secret.

He frowns. His gives a sigh. He knows he should not. And he doesn’t because he is still in control of things. For now.

He checks clock. It’s early as it usually is. He gives a sigh again, stands up and later he cleans up the floor and makes his bed. He is wondering how long he can live like that; with only a few hours of sleep every day, not eating enough and sometimes not eating at all, without Kaidan, without his physical proximity. **_Without fucking him._**

Shepard curses quietly and no synthetic voice asks about his condition this time because of the gentleman agreement that he has set with EDI.

* * *

Kaidan doesn’t know what has happened on Omega station. He only knows that everything has been going even worse since Shepard and Aria retook it. His commander disappeared for several days and when he came back everything was odd.

**_Well, it seemed to be somehow better for a while._ **

**_Just a while._ **

**_And mostly between Shepard and others._ **

**_Not me._ **

Later Shepard’s facial scars appear again.

* * *

Kaidan watches Shepard talking to Dr. Chakwas, then Garrus and later to Liara. Obviously he is taking his usual round along the ship, speaking with all his squad members and Normandy staff. Mostly he listens to them, taking care about their issues. He is sympathetic and patient and … **_handsome_**. **_Even with these creepy scars._**

Kaidan loves Shepard’s husky voice. He wants to feel Shepard’s lips on his own and on his jaw and neck, to hear Shepard whispering his name. And he wants to kiss Shepard’s eyelids. God, he is crazy about his CO’s eyes. So blue. So chilling. He would die old looking in these eyes.  But not now. Right now he only wants to know what is wrong between them. Why Shepard is avoiding him. Why he has stopped to pick out him while going to the missions.

But his previous thoughts hit his body and Kaidan feels that the arousal is coming fast and he needs to flee quickly to the Starboard Observation room not to be seen here with his rising cock. He will find Shepard later. After… he … takes care.


	3. Chapter 3

Few weeks and some missions later Kaidan loses his nerves. He is worried and must speak with Shepard soon. Now. It doesn’t matter that it is four in the morning. If needed, he will pull him out of his bed. He leaves Observation room and takes the elevator to the first deck. He knows something is seriously wrong with Shepard despite the fact that he doesn’t have any hard proofs. Even Garrus has noticed.

Now he is hovering here in front of Shepard’s cabin. Of course he would need to pull Shepard out of the bed. It’s four in the morning! And Shepard needs as much sleep as he can get. He shouldn’t disturb him. Kaidan hesitates. Then he hears a sound of running water and hissing door and doesn’t wait any more. He enters Shepard private cabin as his door has never been locked.

"Shepard," he starts speaking immediately not to lose courage to tell him what he has to say. "What the hell…" he lets his annoyance take control and then he realizes what he actually observes. Shepard stands back to Kaidan almost naked, wearing only black boxers and nothing more. Kaidan forgets how to breathe for a beat of his heart. Or more than only one. He swallows hard.

Shepard makes a turn to face Kaidan.

Kaidan’s heart stops to beat at once and it is not about excitement and thirst any more. Now he really sees Shepard.  He gasps and all the fear, he has tried to suppress, overwhelms him. Shepard lost weight; his skin is pale and sweated, his body shivering uncontrollably. It seems that he will collapse in very next second.

"Shepard!" Kaidan shouts out his name and runs toward him, taking him into his arms, pulling him close, stroking his back and mumbling confronting words to his ear. He rocks them slowly. And this time Shepard doesn’t resist. He is not trying to get away, only closes his eyes, puts his arms round Kaidan’s waist and squeezes. Maybe too much. It hurts but  Kaidan doesn’t complain.

"John, what happened?" he asks gently. He waits with patience and pleads when there is no response from the man in his arms.  "Talk to me John. Please, talk to me." He starts to cry involuntarily. He is not sobbing, these are the tears of fear and despair and stress.

"Kaidan," Shepard whispers. This only word slips from his lips so quietly that Kaidan almost misses it. If it is possible, Shepard squeezes Kaidan’s waist even more. And Kaidan lets him do that while continues confronting him. "I am here, John. Going nowhere," he reassures him shakily.

He is listening to Shepard’s broken breath, trying to figure out what could be wrong and how he could help his commander.  "Let me take you to bed. Would you, John?" He knows he treats him like a child and he doesn’t care. John doesn’t answer but loosens his grip and they are going slowly downstairs, taking few more steps until they reach Shepard’s bed. "Sit down, John," Kaidan suggests gently and Shepard obeys.  Kaidan follows him down, keeping his hands on Shepard’s body because his touch soothes both of them.

So many times he was dreaming about getting to Shepard’s bed and about all these activities they could do there together. And now here he is and there is no joy and no craving.

Kaidan is not going to ask John if he is okay. He can see that he is not. At least Shepard doesn’t give the impression of being dead soon anymore. Kaidan is stroking his hands and watching how Shepard is struggling to regain his composure slowly.

"Nightmares?" Kaidan asks. He knows Shepard has been suffering from them and they probably could cause such… a panic attack?

Shepard is tempted to nod, to confirm Kaidan’s idea and to comfort him. He knows he should do that, he must do that. Shepard nods reluctantly.

"Oh, John," Kaidan exhales with relief. "What can I do?" he asks.

"Leave me alone," this is not what John really wants and it is not what Kaidan expects either. "Go, Kaidan. Please go," it’s far away from an order but the undertone of insistence in Shepard's voice makes Kaidan pay attention. There is something that Shepard is not talking about. Something serious. And he is trying to drive Kaidan away to keep that secret. **_Not this time!_**

"It is not about the nightmares, is it?" Kaidan is not asking. "Not only about them," he corrects himself and gives Shepard a look full of anticipation. **_Sure. How could it be so easy? There is nothing easy with Shepard._**

Commander remains silent while keeping his head bent down. He would like to tell Kaidan. He can't. There is no way he could tell him…

"Should I call Dr. Chakwas?" Kaidan already knows the answer but it is worthy of try.

"NO!"

Both of them jerk simultaneously as Shepard’s resolute voice echoes in the quiet room. They stare at each other and Kaidan sees in his mate’s eyes something alarming that shouldn’t be there.

"John," he hesitates and stops stroking his hands although he keeps holding them. "Have you… Have you been _dusting up_?" he asks and he is scared of being right again.

Shepard turns away and Kaidan doesn’t need any other confirmation. His mind is overwhelmed once again and he fights to not yell at John being a reckless moron. He knows Shepard is not and he fears to ask what had happened that Shepard started to take Red Sand.

"So this is why you have been avoiding me?" It is not the most important thing that he should be worry about right now but Kaidan has to ask.

"You took only one look and you knew," Shepard replies and tries to smile. Sure, it is a disaster that Kaidan knows, but at the very same time it is freeing; he doesn’t need to play hide and seek with him anymore. It is only a tiny smile and it vanishes before it finds its way to Shepard’s eyes to warm them. Still it is a smile and Kaidan welcomes it. It’s beginning.

Kaidan is not going blame Shepard for anything but he needs to understand to be able to help.

"Tell me," he invites John.

Shepard is silent for a long time. He doesn’t know what to tell. Or where to start. And he feels embarrassed. Eventually he pushes Kaidan’s hands away gently and gets up.

"I used to want to be with you so badly," he says in a low voice after several minutes of pacing the way from bed to desk and back.

"Hold on," Kaidan interrupts him immediately. "Don’t tell me you have fell prey to Red Sand because of longing, otherwise I have to slap your whole face," he says angrily. **_Used to want? So he doesn’t want any more?_** It hurts.

Shepard grins. It’s the first time Kaidan is speaking with him like that and he actually likes it.

"Kaidan…" he says in a conciliatory manner and stops smiling, trying to explain.

"Don’t Kaidan me, Shepard!" He is interrupted again.

Shepard lifts his hands in surrender gesture and Kaidan falls silent. And now it is not about the Red Sand any more. It’s about Kaidan and him. "You know we are not allowed to be together, Kaidan. We had this discussion earlier. Don’t you remember? Oh yes, we mutinied, stole a prototype warship and technically Alliance could throw in kidnapping. But it was before. All these things are forgotten. Nobody takes care now. And even if they do, all that things were my responsibility. I was in charge, so I am the one to blame for them. But fraternization? It goes both ways. We didn’t do that before and I am not going to ruin your career now, major."

It was probably the longest speech Shepard has ever had. And nearly the most honest one. Kaidan has always been a soldier by the book and Shepard adores him as such. He would never let anything, anybody to change his man. _**Moreover with all these things I did recently – Kaidan deserves better man.**_

Kaidan watches Shepard’s face very attentively. He loves the man that is standing in front of him. And he can see only one way to save Shepard before he destroys himself trying to protect him from … everything. He gets up from bed and slowly approaches Shepard. And half a second later Shepard is lying on his back and his nose is bleeding.

Kaidan was about to slap Shepard’s face as he threatened but he was so furious so instead of that he just punch him.

"Well, about fraternization… I suppose breach of protocol will be pretty far down the list of charges at my court-martial now," he paraphrases his own words that he gave Shepard years ago.

He folds his arms on his chest and looks at Shepard that is still lying on the ground and doesn’t move, eyes closed. **_Oh, God, have I wounded him? He was in such a bad shape when I came. Why is he not moving?_** Kaidan kneels down as quickly as he is able not to fall on Shepard. "John! John, are you okay?" he asks and his fingers try to reach Shepard’s neck to find his pulse.

And suddenly Shepard grasps for him, draws him closer and holds him in his arms. Kaidan fights until he realizes what is happening. Shepard’s face is covered with blood but he is smiling. And his eyes are so fucking blue. Kaidan feels familiar tension in his crotch.

"Permission to speak freely?”  Kaidan asks.

"Granted," Shepard replies and raises his eyebrow in confusion.

"You are an asshole. Sir," Kaidan states and leans on Shepard.

Shepard laughs. It is obvious that his man has been already changed. And if there is something Shepard loves more than old Kaidan, it is the new one. "Yeah, I love you too."


	4. Chapter 4

Half an hour later they are still lying on the floor. Sweaty. Naked. Breathing hard.

Shepard is grinning again.

"What?" Kaidan asks him curiously.

"Well, I am just glad it … worked," Shepard replies. "I was worried about any side effects of … you know … that drug," he explains.

"This is what you worried about, Shepard?" Kaidan teases him, smiling, but remembering they need to talk about that issue seriously. Instead of answer, John caresses Kaidan’s cheek. "Let’s have a shower and then we can talk," Shepard offers in the end. The ground under their backs is hard and cold.

Kaidan nods and they go to the bathroom, have a shower together and wash each other back. There is little more teasing and not-so-innocent touching but nothing serious results from that as they are both tired. They dry themselves and Shepard takes Kaidan away. Initially he is heading for a couch but with smile on his lips he stops in front of bed.

"Would you mind to lie down instead of sitting there?" And before Kaidan can raise an objection, he continues. "I am not feeling very well yet," he admits honestly.

Kaidan becomes serious and nods. "We could utilize few more hours of sleep. I think that now our talk can wait a bit," he tries to joke but there is sadness in his voice. He can see John is going to comfort him. When he opens his mouth to say something soothing, Kaidan closes the distance between them and presses his lips on Shepard’s. Shepard’s body becomes stiff with a surprise. A while later Kaidan moves back. "Bed, now," he commands with his best military voice and Shepard snaps to attention. "Aye aye, sir," he replies smiling and climbs to bed leaving enough space for Kaidan by his side.

* * *

Of course there is no time to speak later in the morning. In fact Kaidan wakes up in empty bed. Only the second blanket drawn aside proves he had company earlier. He takes a look around the cabin and gives a sigh. Shepard has been already gone. Kaidan lies down burying his nose to commander’s pillow, closes his eyes and takes a breath of his lover’s smell. Then he notices the cup of coffee and protein bar laid on the bedside table and he smiles happily. He could become accustomed to this, even if he would prefer to have Shepard here within his arms.

"EDI, where is commander?" he asks.

"Commander Shepard is in comm room talking to admiral Hackett, major," EDI replies immediately.

"Thanks, EDI." It means that Shepard is back no soon.

Time to get up and get dressed. Kaidan puts the bar to one of his pockets and takes his cup to mess hall to get some actual food. He is thinking. EDI knows he spent part of the night in Shepard’s cabin. So Joker knows also. **_Oh, God. Everybody knows now…_** He blushes a little every time he meets someone but nobody seems to notice and nobody says anything. Only Garrus gives him a suspicious look from time to time.

"Okay. What's the matter?" Kaidan gives up, irritated little bit.

"I don’t know. You tell me. You are behaving strangely whole day," Garrus replies and stops calibrating the gun he is working on to give Kaidan an inquiring look.

"I gave Shepard a blowjob few hours earlier," Kaidan answers before he thinks about what he is going to say.

Garrus coughs. He coughs a lot. Kaidan is thinking about hitting his back to make it easier for him. But, well, Garrus is Turian. Maybe it is not working for them the same way as for humans. So he waits, blushing, until Garrus seems to be okay again. **_How could I say that? What the hell is wrong with me?_**

"Good for him," Garrus says finally, having amused grin on his scared face. "Hopefully good for you too," he adds mischievously, making Kaidan blush even more.

It’s too late to try to hide. "Oh, yeah, I enjoyed myself too," Kaidan states and there is a short time of silence. And then both of them burst into laugh. It feels so good.

* * *

"So this was all about last weeks?" Garrus asks later and Kaidan’s mood vanishes. He gives a sigh and shakes his head. "No, Garrus. But I believe we can fix that now," he adds hopefully. Garrus nods. "Go for that, Kaidan," he encourages his friend and they fall in comfortable silence again, working on their tasks.

* * *

In the evening Kaidan is playing poker with Joker and Vega, having a good time when Shepard enters the room. "Loco!" James greets him loudly. "Going to join us?"

"Not this time, James. I can see you have found your victims already, so I can keep my credits," Shepard smiles but Kaidan notices the small wrinkles around his mouth and eyes. Commander is tired, worried and maybe… Kaidan can understand now why everybody was able to overlook his addiction. Everybody knows the stress their commander has to withstand and it’s quite natural that he has sleeping issues. Losing weight comes with that plus not enough eating and Shepard has been always working so hard – he used to forget about food earlier too. It is possible that Kaidan would miss the real issue also if Shepard doesn’t stop assigning him to missions.

"Your turn, Blue," James demands. Kaidan breaks the gaze he is giving Shepard and looks in his cards, continues playing. He notices Shepard chats with Tali and Garrus for a while, but leaves soon. Too soon.

"So you are now with commander?" lieutenant Vega asks and Kaidan is surprised that he haven’t asked if he is fucking with him, which would fit James better actually. He hesitates. They haven’t discussed going public yet. **_Well, we haven’t agreed about any relationship either._** And Kaidan remembers Shepard’s words about **_used to want_** and feels unease."Yeah, it seems they finally realized what each of us could see years ago," Joker overtakes and gives Kaidan a blink. It’s suspicious. Probably their pilot needs something from Kaidan, being so tactful all of sudden.

"Could we change the subject?" Kaidan asks politely.

"Hell, no!" Vega refuses and finds his true self again asking: "Who is the bottom?"


	5. Chapter 5

It’s late in the night when Kaidan heads for the first deck. He knows Shepard is still awake because he received a message on his omni-tool from him few minutes ago. It could wait until morning but he wants to see him. To be with him. To ask him about his dusting up because he is worried and needs to know.

"Commander," he says while entering the room.

"Don't you think we are a little past titles?" Shepard smiles faintly at him.

"I guess we are," Kaidan nods and return a smile. "Do you feel well enough for a sanity check?" he asks carefully. He knows Shepard would need to sleep more than to be interrogated.

"Yeah," Shepard exhales non excited. They take seats in the couch area and Shepard pours Kaidan a shot of whiskey. "Emergency reserves," he explains smiling. "And no, I will not have a drink," he adds.

That is the opportunity Kaidan is waiting for. "Always in control," he jokes while looking at Shepard with a sad face.

"As a matter of fact I am, Kaidan," Shepard tries to comfort him. Kaidan’s expression changes from sad to doubting, but he doesn’t disprove Shepard’s words. Instead of that he asks him how much he takes.

Shepard hesitates. "Twice a week. Maybe three times?" he doesn’t sound very sure. "You don’t know or you don’t want to tell?" Kaidan asks openly.

There is a one minute break. "Usually I don’t want to think about it," Shepard admits. "But I am in control, Kaidan. I have never taken anything if there is a mission to go. I dusted up only with enough time to recover. Besides I watch my intake buying only a few packages according to assumed date of our next visit of Citadel." Shepard is dismayed by his own words. _**Such a lame excuses!**_   They didn't sound this bad when he was repeating them to himself inwardly.

Kaidan has to laugh at the mental image of Shepard labeling packages of Red Sand with a pen, writing names of days on them. Then he becomes serious again. Even if Shepard doesn’t admit to himself, he takes a lot and Kaidan knows that. ** _But… it could be worse, couldn’t it?_**

"So do you think you can stop right now?" he asks Shepard. They are staring to each other eyes until Shepard looks away. "I believe I can," Shepard whispers and Kaidan is almost sure that Shepard can't and knows that. So he reaches out and holds Shepard’s hands. "That’s okay, John. We can make it. You are not all alone with this anymore," he says gently and firmly.

Now is good time to take a sip from his glass to give Shepard some time. He believes he knows his commander well enough to guess his current thoughts. **_He feels weak, ashamed, he wants to close up. He wants to force me to leave and in the same time he hopes for staying together for night._**

"How is your biotics?" Kaidan asks, changing the subject by intent. He won’t allow Shepard to beat a retreat now. And it is working. Shepard makes an uncomprehending face. "C’mon, Shepard, I don’t believe you haven’t tried," Kaidan shakes his head in disbelief with teasing smile on his face.

"Well," Shepard smiles uncertainly, confused by this sudden change of topic. "There is one missing ship model on the wall," he grins. Kaidan laughs. "Next time ask me to let fly something for you," he whispers, leans on Shepard and kisses him passionately trying not to think about their unfinished talk. And this is working as well.

* * *

"Could you give me back my protein bars?" Kaidan asks Shepard in the morning while they are cuddling. "Why?" Shepard wonders. "I am eating them during the missions when I am out of energy. Have you forgotten?" Kaidan laughs. "For you they would serve almost no purpose tasting like a cardboard. Is it a trouble?" Kaidan would like to know why Shepard is equivocating. "I can’t. I ate them, Kaidan," he confesses in confusion. "Oh! Did you?" Kaidan is surprised and smiles. "I thought you just had hidden them to the drawer. I am glad that you weren’t starving," he adds teasingly, feeling really happy, "but believe me, my lips taste much better."

Commander simply accepts that offer.

* * *

Shepard insists on instant breaking of taking Red Sand. Kaidan likes his enthusiasm but he tries to talk him out of doing so. He saw other sentinels trying to improve their biotics using Red Sand, and witnessed consequences. Still, Shepard is stubborn and less than week later he is struggling through his withdrawal syndrome. But there is a war going outside and waiting for nobody to solve his personal issues.

Kaidan fears about his lover and proves he is right during very next mission when Shepard gets almost killed. He knows he has to take some action against this insanity and forces Shepard to take a little Red Sand in the evening. He feels bad about that and he can see that John is feeling even worse. "You need to decrease the dosage little by little and extends intervals between taking, John," Kaidan tries to give some comfort to Shepard.

Shepard nods. He doesn’t want to speak with Kaidan right now. He knows he is right and he fears of blaming him for his own stupidity. Shepard wants to be alone with his misery. He wants to break something. And he definitely doesn’t want to break Kaidan.

"Would you leave me alone?" he asks quietly. Kaidan wants to object but resists from doing so. "Sure John. If you need me, I am in the Observation room as always," he says and stands up from Shepard’s bed where he was lying with John. "See you tomorrow," Kaidan gives him a faint smile. "And have a nice dream later," he wishes before leaving captain’s cabin, worried. He knows he should stay. Commander is far away from being okay and it would be better if somebody keeps an eye on him. Still, he understands that Shepard needs his privacy.

"EDI?" he asks while taking elevator to the third deck.

"Yes, major," EDI replies.

"Watch Shepard," he orders and adds: "Please."

"I am always watching him as I am watching each of you, major," she reminds.

"Thanks." It’s good to know that John is under observation of their Big Sister. Kaidan smiles a little. And EDI doesn’t tell him that she is watching but not reporting because of a strict command Shepard gave her long time ago.

* * *

Shepard is pacing his cabin. His today’s trip was short and unsatisfactory because of the low dosage of drug, because of the sedatives applied earlier by Dr. Chakwas when she was dealing with his injuries, because of presence of Kaidan... Because of his failure. There is so much at stake and ... only thanks to Garrus he can keep fighting to save the galaxy.

Shepard heads for a shower, literally trying to cool himself down under the flow of icy water. When he steps out of the shower, there is no vapor on the mirror this time and he has to face himself. He leans on the metal sink and observes.

Half an hour later he dusts up again.

It feels good.

Three minutes later it doesn’t feel good at all.


	6. Chapter 6

Next morning the guilt is eating Shepard alive. He is sitting on the edge of his bed, already dressed, forearms rested on his thighs, head bowed down in a defeatist way. He knows he can’t take yesterday back and he is not asking himself what he has done. It’s perfectly clear to him what happened. Two hours ago he tried to force his dejection away by working but while he was reading reports, he was also thinking about another war that he was supposed to win. His own war. He stopped pretending the work is helping an hour ago. Since that he has been sitting there. He can afford one hour of doing nothing after so many hours intended for sleeping spent awake, fighting, reporting, negotiating, obtaining war asset, recruiting for a Crucible, talking to people, listening to people, comforting, believing, hoping… Now he is tired. God, he is so tired. For weeks. For months.

At least he doesn’t feel sick this time. And when he heads for the bathroom to splash some water over his face, he is not trying to wash off nausea. It’s desperation. It’s guilt.

He punches his fist against the mirror breaking it into pieces. The knuckles of his right hand are bleeding. It hurts. He is watching his blood dropping to sink. Few red drops on silver surface. More red drops on shards. It’s strange. And it’s freeing. He is tempted to repeat the action. He doesn’t.

"Commander, I detect increasing numbers of leukocytes in your body. Are you wounded?" EDI asks.

"Yeah," Shepard replies smiling. It’s like to be drunk. Almost. Somehow.

"Do you need medical attention?" she continues asking. Shepard heard the same question before.

"No. I can manage it. Thanks EDI."

There is a sound of crackling static electricity. **_Is EDI hesitating? Of course not._**

"Understood." EDI confirms. It’s echo of their former conversation.

Shepard leaves the bathroom and goes directly toward his bedside table. He pulls out the drawer and takes the rest of Red Sand packages out of it. There is no thirst for dusting up right now. Contrarily, he loathes that idea. Calmly he walks back. He opens the first package and empties the contents of it to the toilet bowl. Suddenly his hands are shaking and something in the back of his mind is screaming to stop. He opens the next one.

And he hesitates.

For several minutes he just freezes. Thinking. In the end he closes the package carefully and together with the remaining ones he puts it to his pocket. Then he flushes the toilet. The true is that he needs his fix of Red Sand. Kaidan has been right about reducing the dosages and he will not jeopardize their mission because of his ego again. What really bothers him is the uncertainty if this awareness is what stopped him from pouring the second package half a second ago.

Shepard gives a sight. He will see. He will see soon.

He comes out the bathroom, turns to doors and stops. His first idea is to give the packages to Kaidan and ask him for keeping them for him. Kaidan has experiences with Red Sand and he could help him to establish the right withdrawal schedule. But… Shepard is trying to convince himself that it is only the shame what leads his steps back to his bedside table. He puts the packages into the drawer and closes it.

 ** _Now what?_** He could stay in his cabin today but he knows better. At least he is smart enough not to repeat his previous mistakes. And he has a war to win of course. Two wars, actually. **_Let’s start with my crew._** He takes the elevator to the second deck and checks on Joker. When he notices EDI’s look on his bloody hand, he hides it in the pocket of his favorite black hoodie with white and red strips on the right sleeve. None of them say anything. Jeff shares a joke with Shepard and he laughs. Sanity check completed. While leaving cockpit Shepard overhears Joker’s conversation with EDI. It seems that things between these two become pretty serious. "Good for them," he whispers and hopes there is also some good for him.

He is horny. He used to be fine. He hasn’t had any relationship since his appointment of CO of Normandy. And he has been quite okay with that, keeping himself busy with work and dreaming about Kaidan. And if the lust is insurmountable, he is more than good at taking care of his needs. **_Except the one night after the Omega._** He banishes that thought immediately. But since the blowjob Kaidan gave him, he is longing more for someone else taking care of his needs. **_Someone? Kaidan._**

After saying hello to some other people Shepard heads for the engineering deck avoiding the crew deck – avoiding Kaidan – for now.

Tali is speaking with Garrus over her omni-tool and Shepard is not going to interrupt their call.

Instead of that he asks Lieutenant Adams if he needs something. He doesn’t; he is happy to see his commander in one piece and Shepard realizes that it is not only him taking care about his crew, it goes both ways. It should feel good. Instead of that he feels uneasy and even more ashamed. Still he doesn’t give Adams any food for thoughts about his condition.

When he bumps into Gabriella and Kenneth hugging each other in the lower engineering, he pretends he hasn’t seen anything. He just wonders how many members of his crew is dating like this. Jeff and EDI, Garrus and Tali, Kenneth and Gabriella, Kaidan and him… He won’t be bothered until there is no influence on their performance. And then again he has to think about Kaidan and himself.  Well, they are not really dating. They spent few nights together, nothing more.

In this mood Shepard enters the shuttle bay. He can’t see Steve anywhere; probably he is working in one of their Kodiaks, but Mr. Vega is exactly on the place where Shepard is looking for him.

"Lieutenant."

"Shepard," James replies not even lifting his head from the weapons bench.

Shepard walks around and watches him working without saying anything for a while. He knows James wouldn’t stand that long.

"Okay, do you need something Shepard?" he asks after two minutes and puts the pistol that he is clearing down.

"What about sparring match?" Shepard suggests and James smiles widely. He doesn’t answer, just takes of his T-shirt and throws it aside.

They move into the middle of Shuttle Bay to have enough space. "What have you done that you need to be beaten?" James banters with his CO.  When Shepard jerks and bites his bottom lip unconsciously, James frowns and lowers his fists. Maybe he is not the smartest guy in the universe but he can read the body language very well. Then he lifts his hands again. They can speak while sparring as well. "So you and Blue, hah?" he brings up while they start to _dance_. "I would call it blue insanity," he adds with a faint smile and attacks. Shepard blocks his fist and returns the hit in very next moment. James jumps aside and retreats a little bit. It is the time he notices blood on Shepard’s hand. "Have you already punched somebody today?" he asks. "None of your business," Shepard replies upset and attacks.

They are taking turns. Attacking, blocking. Fighting in silence until Shepard breaks it. "Do you think I am making mistake with Kaidan?" he asks reluctantly. James is not his closest friend and Shepard is not used to discuss any personal issues with him. Still, Vega is a good soldier and commander respects his opinions. Plus he is human and that what counts now; it is the only reason Shepard hasn’t asked Garrus. **_And Vega is also an experienced lover and honest man. Maybe too honest sometimes._** James takes an advantage of Shepard distraction and punches him hard to his shoulder. "If you need to ask, you probably know the answer," James states philosophically. And then there is the heavy silence again. They are not speaking any more, just fighting, breathing hard and groaning from time to time when someone’s fist finds the right spot.

They quit after about thirty minutes. "Nice training," Shepard thanks to Vega and turns to leave, lost in his thoughts.

"Hey, Loco," James shouts behind Shepard and he pauses in the middle of his way to elevator, not looking back. "Kaidan is smart kid, he can manage you," Vega assures him laughing aloud.


	7. Chapter 7

Shepard is taking off his clothes. His body hurts a little as the sparring training with James was – in the end – more real fight than training only. James hasn’t complained. Neither Shepard has. He is actually pretty sure that both of them have had a good time. At least he has, unless he thinks about their talking again. Maybe even then. Some parts of his body, especially arms and shoulders, ache more than he noticed earlier. They will probably turn blue and purple during oncoming days but it doesn’t bother him at all. In fact it makes him smile. It is similar feeling to that one Shepard experienced when he had broken the mirror.

He takes a shower. He enjoys the warmth of the water running over his sweaty skin, the familiar feeling of muscles that start to loosen. He rests his forehead on the metal wall; arms crossed above his head, forearms rested on the wall as well, fingertips stroking slowly its surface. He closes his eyes and imagines Kaidan standing behind his back. He would be worried, touching gently Shepard’s bruised arms, then going up and capturing his writs, pressing Shepard’s body to the wall to kiss his neck, to whisper the words of disapproval to his ear, biting his earlobe as a gentle punishment. He exhales with desire.

He can almost sense Kaidan’s hands squeezing his wrists firmly, then going down along his arms to his chest and further, caressing his belly for irritating long time. Then his imagined Kaidan grasp his hips, leaving red marks on them, and... Shepard is aroused. He takes his erection and tightens his grip around his cock. He intends to do it quickly as usually but standing here, beaten, dreaming about Kaidan touching him… he strokes himself gently and slowly. He doesn’t open his eyes; he doesn’t want to see that it is his own hand. In his fantasy it is not. Gradually the pace of his movements speeds up; he is breathing fast and loud, groaning in the end. And he clenches his teeth not to cry out when he finally comes.

Afterwards he has to brace himself against the shower wall. He is really exhausted. The water washes away his cum and sweat eventually and he turn it off. His knees give up – Shepard slides down on wet floor. His breath is slowing down. When he becomes cold, he stands up with minor difficulties and covers himself in big soft towel. It is a luxury here and he never ceases appreciating that.

He should probably feel embarrassed but he doesn’t. It is not his first time. It is not his twentieth time either, although this one has been different. Probably for the first time he wasn’t dominating the situation. Nobody will learn about that. Ever.

**_Nobody?_ **

**_Ever?_ **

* * *

Shepard reads the reports from Anderson. They are almost out of time. He is worried that Earth will not last much longer. He wants to be there, not here solving the issues of another species. The assignments and missions start to melt together. At times he has the feeling that they are alike, that he cannot distinguish between them. Occasionally he misses details. And he knows that details are what counts. They make the difference. They save lives.

At least he is doing well with his rehab. He follows Kaidan advices – reduces the dosage, extends the periods. Of course it is not that easy. Sometimes the withdrawal symptoms catch him off guard but Kaidan is always there for him. He has his back during fights and he distracts him when Shepard gets a hankering for the euphoria effects of the drug while resting. Sometimes Shepard takes a little bit more than he should but these excesses are rare.

They spent most nights sharing Shepard’s bed and Kaidan wakes him up from bad dreams when Shepard is screaming, snuggling gently up to him afterwards. In the beginning Kaidan was also washing Shepard’s face after he had vomited. Fortunately they are past this. But Kaidan wasn't complaining about anything.  He never has.

And if there is anything that bothers Shepard, it is the fact that they don't have sex. They don’t have sex because Kaidan wants to wait until Shepard gets over his addiction. It should be motivating him. Commander hates him for that sometimes. Very often. Still, he respects Kaidan’s only condition.

Sometimes.

Not so often.

* * *

One day Shepard finds himself sitting across from Kaidan, drinking coffee in the mess hall. Kaidan is talking about something. Probably about their next mission. Quarians. Geths. Rannoch. Something. Shepard pretends he is listening to him but the truth is that he is not. Not really. He pays attention to the tone of his voice, not particular words. And he is watching Kaidan’s lips. They are moving, curling in smile, touching rim of his cup, being licked… It fascinating and tantalizing. Very tantalizing. He wants to kiss that lips, taste them. He wants to bite the scared bottom lip or touch this tiny scar by his thumb at least. He breaks his gaze only to steal a glance at Kaidan’s whiskey-brown eyes. And he is trapped; forced through mass relay without the protection of his ship. Lost.

"Shepard!" Kaidan calls his name again, this time more loudly.

"Huh?" Commander responds to the change in a melody of Kaidan’s voice.

"I was asking if you…" Kaidan starts to repeat his question. Then he takes a better look and bends forward. "Have you been listening to me actually?" he asks amused.

"Well… yeah… something like that," Shepard answers and blushes. Kaidan bursts into laugh.

"You seem to be pretty distracted, commander. I wonder…" Kaidan doesn’t continue, smiling. **_Teasing bastard._** Shepard raises his cup of coffee to his lips and sucks it very _very_ slowly. "Okay. I won’t ask and you will show me later," Kaidan states and stands up from table before Shepard can refuse. He puts the cup to the sink and leaves.

Shepard stays even if his cup is empty also. He needs to wait here for a while unless he wants to confess his physical attraction for Kaidan to everyone.

* * *

Shepard is quiet. He takes his armor off and puts it where it belongs to have it ready for next mission. He follows new bruises with his fingertips. His second skin has its own scars telling stories about wining and loosing too. He pauses on N7 logo, thinking about Legion. Kaidan, still wearing part of his armor, lays his hand on Shepard’s shoulder and squeezed. Shepard turns his head and their eyes meet. He shares a faint smile with Kaidan and nods. He is looking forward having a shower.

They killed the Reaper, Quarians have their homeworld back and Geths are still _alive_ , helping their creators and also joining project Crucible – so many good news in one single report. He wouldn’t believe it if he didn’t be there.

Admiral Hackett is pleased, appreciating Shepard’s good work. Shepard thanks to him with mixed feelings. Then he takes its round along the ship, checking his people. It’s easier today and at the same time it is more difficult. Normandy’s crew is celebrating their huge success and hope can be sensed on every deck, in every corner. And Legion is dead.

Shepard is standing in front of the Normandy’s memorial wall. Legion’s name isn’t there yet of course. But will be – soon – as they are heading to Citadel now because of the vague request from Asari councilor. He looks over all the names and touches the plaque of Thane Krios. He misses him.

When he turns around, Kaidan is leaning against the wall, arms folded across his chest, watching Shepard with a sad face.

"Hey," Shepard greets him.

"Hey," Kaidan replies and pushes from wall. "Are you going to join the celebration?" he asks.

"No," Shepard answers. "I am not in the right mood for a party," he adds apologetically.

"Yeah, I guess so," Kaidan doesn’t try to persuade him. "Would you mind if I join you?" he asks instead.

"I would like that," Shepard agrees.

They are going to the Observation room and sit in front of the window, watching stars in comforting silence. Kaidan notices that Shepard is breathing harder than usually. "What’s wrong?" he asks uncertainly, brow furrowed in worry. "It’s nothing," commander assures him and pats his knee. "Just… Sometimes I feel unease to be so close to open space," he shakes his head. Kaidan is confused and frowns in not-understanding. Shepard gives a sigh. "I died being spaces, remember?" he reminds him. Kaidan gasps. Of course he hasn’t forgotten. Just he has never really thought about consequences. "Yeah, breathtaking," Shepard laughs bitterly. "Do you want to go somewhere else?" Kaidan offers. Shepard is thinking about it. Eventually he smiles and reaches his hand for Kaidan’s while standing from sofa.

"First deck. My bed. And it is an order, soldier," he declares.


	8. Chapter 8

There they are - captain’s cabin – standing in the doorway. Shepard takes the first step in, leading, and Kaidan follows. It is gloomy inside. Only the fish-tank is providing some light and fish that are swimming slowly back and forth seem to be more colorful than ever.

"Shepard," Kaidan whispers his CO’s name and Shepard pauses, turning back. "I know, Kaidan," he shakes his head a little bit and his face reflects the ill-suppressed disappointment. "No sex," he gives a sigh. "Yeah… Well, about that…" Kaidan says with teasing smile curling his lips up and then everything is going just too fast.

Shepard’s back hits the fish-tank. His head is framed with Kaidan’s forearms suddenly and Kaidan’s chest is pressed against Shepard’s so tightly that Shepard cannot breathe. His reflexes kick in and he tries to break free. Kaidan expects that and he presses himself against commander even harder, while capturing his lips. Shepard’s vision becomes blurry.

Kaidan pulls away slightly. "Breathe, John," he whispers, kissing Shepard’s jaw. "Breathe," he has to repeat and Shepard gasps at last. His rib cage is too narrow for his lungs begging for more air. And Kaidan doesn’t let him go. His lips are making their way from Shepard’s jaw to his neck, while fingers of Kaidan’s left hand are stroking his cheek then following Kaidan’s lips down to his neck and collar. Both hands meet there starting to unbutton Shepard’s uniform.

Shepard buries his hand to Kaidan’s perfect hair, pulling him closer, making him to kiss his neck really hard. He can feel Kaidan’s teeth on it and he moans with pleasure. His other hand finds the perfect spot on the lower curve of Kaidan’s spin and he holds him right that, Kaidan’s knee between his. He bumps his head on fish-tank. "God…" he exhales, noticing Kaidan’s hard cock on his thigh.

Kaidan advances taking off Shepard’s shirt and Shepard allows him to do so, falls into the trap as Kaidan doesn’t take it off completely. Shepard’s arms are captured behind his back and Kaidan has his hand and lips everywhere on Shepard’s bare chest and shoulders. He traces his abdomen while licking and sucking his nipple. Shepard yields to the temptation and doesn’t try to free himself and Kaidan smiles: "I have got you." And whole Shepard’s universe twists.

Kaidan enjoys Shepard’s body. He touches and kisses every inch of it and it doesn’t bother him that some parts are still covered by fabric. At the other hand it does bother Shepard and Kaidan enjoys the game even more when he realizes. He has dreamt about this since the very first time they met each other. It seems to be lives ago. Somebody else’s life.

Kaidan is playing with Shepard. He is never touching him where he would like to be touched, or he does but not for long enough. And when Shepard tries to move or free his arms, Kaidan shrinks back for a torturing while. It doesn’t take much time before Shepard understands the pattern. And when he does, he becomes more obedient and more aroused. Horny. And Shepard is also thinking about something taking whole lives, but it is Kaidan’s teasing in his case.

When they finally move to bed, Shepard cannot withstand Kaidan’s game anymore and takes control. His hands – usually handling weapons – are decisive while almost ripping Kaidan’s uniform. Shepard is hungry to touch Kaidan and doesn’t complain when he finishes undressing his trousers instead of him. For the very first time they are completely naked. No T-shirts, no boxers, nothing but bare skin.

Shamelessly, Kaidan spreads across bed and gazes to Shepard’s eyes while his hand travels around his body. He enjoys the attention Shepard is paying to him. "Careful major," John growls but he is unable to move, to break the look. And Kaidan’s hand leaves his nipple and is going down.

Down.

Down.

Examining terrain of his flawless body.

Down.

"Yeah…" Kaidan moans touching himself and that is enough for Shepard to lose control. He climbs the bed and captures Kaidan beneath his body, squeezing his shoulders, tasting his lips. He parts them and Kaidan allows Shepard’s tongue to his mouth, meeting him with his own.

Kaidan relaxes and enjoys Shepard examining his body, while he is stroking his back and hips, cupping his ass and – eventually – squeezing it with hints of nails. Later they switch their side as it is Kaidan’s round to explore. Both of them would like to be gently but they are not. They are passionate, longing for more. More touches, more kisses, more everything.

And when they are fighting for dominance it is real and playful at the same time and they fall from bed to floor. Surprised. Laughing. Shepard is on his feet first. He laid his hand on Kaidan’s shoulder and holds him down. "Stay on your knees, soldier," he demands. Kaidan looks up at him and both of them know where this is about to go. Shepard’s cock is in the height of Kaidan’s face.

"Shepard…" Kaidan sounds a warning with teasing smile crimping his lips and he tries to stand up again. And the other hand comes to his right shoulder, strong hands holding him in place, not allowing moving up. The sensation is electrifying.

"That’s an order, soldier," Shepard takes half of step closer, also smiling.

"Shepard, you know I over-rank you, right?" Kaidan asks chirpily.

"Oh, yeah. It’s hot," Shepard replies, moving one of his hands on back of Kaidan’s neck, pulling his head closer.

"Don’t you even think…" Kaidan starts and then he has his mouth full and can’t speak anymore. He chuckle being not able to laugh and bites Shepard a tiny bit to punish his impudence. And Shepard answers to that going deeper Kaidan’s throat, hitting his gag reflex deliberately. He withdraws a little to let Kaidan recover while staying still in his mouth. He is not advancing even if he keeps his hands on Kaidan’s neck and shoulder. Eventually Kaidan starts to suck. And he has a knack for that!

Shepard curses silently and moans loudly and fights against the need to dictate the pace lately. Kaidan’s hands join his experienced lips and tongue, stroking Shepard’s length and squeezing his balls gently. And suddenly there is another urge that Shepard has to fight with.

"Kaidan," Shepard calls his name and tries to step back but Kaidan’s hand leaves Shepard’s crotch, catch his hips and keeps the pace. It’s just a second. Shepard cries out Kaidan’s name once again and comes.

This time Kaidan is ready and his gag reflex doesn’t kick in. He takes in full load of Shepard’s cum while continuing sucking his dick more and more slowly, until he stops completely. He pulls out and swallows. The taste is … he doesn’t think about that much and swallows again to clear his throat. Shepard handles him a glass of water from his bedside table quickly and knees in front of him, leaning his forehead on Kaidan’s shoulder. "God, Kaidan…" Shepard is breathing hard, not able to voice his state of mind.

Kaidan laughs. "Let’s talk about breaching of protocol, Lt Commander," he returns to Shepard. Shepard lifts his head and his eyes are full of affection and awaiting. Kaidan kiss his scared cheek and strokes it gently. "Next time the officer with higher rank will be server first," he makes himself clear and stands up, reaching out for Shepard’s hand, helping him on his feet.

"Aye, aye, sir," Shepard replies and follows Kaidan to bed, repaying him the favor dutifully.

Very dutifully.


	9. Chapter 9

Later in the nigh, Shepard is lying on his back with Kaidan snuggled to his side. He feels the warmth of his body and weight of his head on his chest. It is rising and sinking with every breath the same way as Kaidan’s arm lying across Shepard’s stomach. It’s soothing. He would like to change the position as he is not used to sleep on his back but he is afraid to move – he doesn’t want to disturb his sleeping lover – so it takes more time than usually before Shepard falls asleep also.

And then he is dreaming.

About Mordin giving his life on Tuchanka to cure the Genophage.  
     About Thane dying in Huerta Memorial Hospital after saving salarian councilor from attack of Kai Leng.  
          About Legion dispersing himself to the Geth consensus.

And he hears the Kolyat's prayer for him once again, while the images of his dying friends are flashing behind his closed lids.

_Kalahira, this one's heart is pure,_   
_but beset by wickedness and contention._   
_Guide this one to where the traveler never tires,_   
_the lover never leaves, the hungry never starve._   
_Guide this one, Kalahira,_   
_and he will be a companion to you as he was to me._

This time he wakes up without scream but with tears running down his cheeks. It’s confusing a little bit. He wipes them with his forearm and tries to sit. But there is an arm around his waist and it holds him down. It is even more confusing and faint panic reaches for his mind. Just Kaidan mumbling something behind him, something that could be question, remembers him that he is not sleeping alone, that he doesn’t have enemy in his back. He whispers an answer about not going anywhere, which seems to lull Kaidan back to sleep.

It makes Shepard smile despite the pain in his chest that he feels for his lost friends and the pain in his head knowing there will be other casualties regardless his best effort to save them all. And for the very first time he worries for his own life as well as now there is something – somebody – he could live for. He caresses Kaidan’s arm while thinking about future. He gives a deep sigh. It is still early in the morning and today he is not rushing from bed. Everything he wants right now is there.

* * *

"Tell me about Omega, John," Kaidan asks on their way from Citadel and Shepard becomes stiff.

Kaidan can see the horror in his commander’s eyes and that is really unusual scene. He wonders why this particural request would cause such an intense reaction. They are staring at each other until Kaidan breaks the silence. "I want to know what happened there, Shepard. You have never told me."

Commander doesn’t move, doesn’t say anything. In fact it seems to Kaidan that he has stopped breathing. "Shep, hey," he frowns expressing his concerns.

"Why are you asking?" Shepard asks eventually.

"I have known you for years, Shepard. I would never say you could end in addiction on something, still less on Red Sand," Kaidan explains, ignoring the irritation caused by the fact that Shepard is answering his question by another question. It is much easier for him to talk about this issue, because Shepard didn’t take anything for almost three weeks.

"Okay, but why are you asking about Omega?" Shepard demands and his attempts to avoid this subject cannot be overlooked.

"Something happened there. I thought that you had started dusting up after the private mission with Aria," Kaidan replies, studying carefully troubled expression on Shepard face. And suddenly there is relief softening Shepard’s features.

"I didn’t," Shepard replies and his relief is almost solid enough to be touched. So it is not the Red Sand that bothers him about Omega and Kaidan is cut in two as he wants to know both: when Shepard started with that drug and what happened on the Omega station. "It was long time ago," Shepard adds and the subject that will be discussed is chosen.

Kaidan is thinking and one of the ideas terrifies him when comes to his mind. "Horizon," he whispers and lock his gaze with Shepard’s eyes. But Shepard is already shaking his head. "No, Kaidan. Not Horizon," he reassures him. He sees Kaidan doubting his words. "Oh yes, I was upset. Angry. Pissed off. But only for few days, Kaidan. When I went over the first wave of emotions, I realized what I had put you through with my dead. And maybe even more with my resurrection," Shepard talks, holding Kaidan’s hand, stroking his fingers gently. And Kaidan is listening to him, experiencing the old pain once more. But this time it is not hurting him. He really needed to hear this from Shepard - the understanding, not silent sentence given him from some of their old friends. "I was able to understand your decision, Kaidan. I died and Cerberus brought me back. You couldn’t be sure who I was. I could be their puppet, chipped to obey commands of the Illusion Man. Anything," Shepard pauses for a while, taking several deep breaths. Then he continues. "Don’t get me wrong. It was fucking hard to see you go away without looking back and it was even harder…" he doesn’t finish the sentence and Kaidan doesn’t push him. He knows.

"But later I was glad that you had not joined me," Shepard adds and Kaidan gives him a surprised look. Maybe it is a little bit hurt also. And Shepard smiles widely, squeezing Kaidan fingers. "Well, I missed your help with the Collectors, of course, but I was on a suicidal mission, Kaidan. Nobody believed we were going to survive. And even if I could utilize your powers, I was glad you were safe and able to take care about the Reapers in case I …" And this time it is Kaidan – his lips – that prevents Shepard from finishing his words. When they part, Shepard laughs.

"Will you tell me when, then?" Kaidan asks and Shepard becomes more serious, even if the faint smile is still on his face.

"After Mars," he states easily. "You were lying in the hospital and I was forced to deal with politicians. I knew that I could not stay in Citadel sitting at your bed, waiting for you to gain consciousness. I was just a nervous wreck when I headed to docks. So I went to the bar in lower wards for a drink. And one more. And another. I was drunk as hell. I even don’t remember how the first package of Red Sand found its way to my pocket. I just know that I dusted up on Normandy later that night," Shepard confesses.

Kaidan listens to him silently. There is nothing he could say and Shepard doesn’t expect any words from him right now. He is thinking about terminating the story in this point, but there is more to say to finish this subject once and for all.

"I dusted only a little. I wasn’t able to provide myself with the Red Sand regularly while fighting to gain support for the Earth. And then you was up and I didn’t need the drug to live another bad day. There was the hope you could join me on Normandy. That was enough," he smiles on his lover and kiss his forehead.

"But I didn’t. I accepted the Udina’s offer and turned you down once again," Kaidan gives the sigh knowing how the Shepard story is going to continue.

Shepard nods. "Yeah," he says and falls silent, looking at Kaidan’s fingers, stroking them with his thumb. Then he lifts his head and gives Kaidan serious look. "And before you start to blame yourself, Kaidan, it was only my fault." He raises his hand to silence Kaidan. "Listen, it wasn’t just about you, Kaidan. Sure, I felt lonely without you, but I could live with that. Then two of my friends died in very short amount of time and for what?! I had decided to cure Genophage. I had done decisions determined for somebody else. The realization of what depended on me brought me to Red Sand again. So… I just didn’t fight through the situation properly. Not your fault. No discussion about that. Understand?" he hopes he made himself clear enough.

Kaidan opens his mouth and closes it again. Shepard is right. He cannot bear the responsibility for his choice of solution even if he would like. "Aye, aye, sir," he states finally and both of them are catch off-guard by the response of their bodies, that are remembering what happened last time after these words. They burst in laugh.

"Do we have time for a quickie?" Kaidan asks and Shepard’s eyes widen in disbelief. "Major!" he shout with pretended nuisance.

"Okay, no quickie," Kaidan teases Shepard. "So about the Omega," he starts, hoping that the mood is easy enough for the difficult topic. Shepard’s clenched fists prove that it is not. When Shepard leans over to his personal space and steals a kiss from his lips, he let the topic go.


	10. Chapter 10

Kaidan hasn’t asked about Omega since then and Shepard is glad for that. He is selfish but he really needs Kaidan’s support right now. Very important mission is ahead of them and he fears that Kaidan will leave him as soon as he knows what he done that night. And he has every right to reject him after all, Shepard knows. **_But not now. Please. Give me few more days._** He doesn’t know to what being or spirit he addresses his prayers but they are the most sincere ones in his life. He can’t imagine Kaidan packing his bags and leaving. And at the same time he can’t stop imagining that.

And then reports from Thessia start to come and they are not good at all. He has to comfort Liara every now and then. He understands her worries. It is her homeworld. Shepard remembers the Earth slit by Reapers and his stomach is in knots. He swallows several times to force the nausea away and asks Joker for the newest report. If possible it is even worse than the previous one. Liara announces being a part of the unit that will go down, and as there is no way Shepard could prevent her from joining, he sends her to shuttle bay to make her preparations. He thinks about taking James instead of Kaidan with them this time but maybe two biotics isn’t such a bad idea.

He checks the latest report hopefully and gives a deep sigh. When he arrives to shuttle bay, Kaidan and Liara are already waiting for him, as ready as they can be for seeing another world failing in ruins. He puts his armor on quickly and then they go.

The mission is fighting and more fighting. They are advancing slowly and Asari squads suffer immense casualties to give them their chance. Everybody knows what is at stake. They need to get the Catalyst or any information about it as soon as possible to stop this destruction, this madness. This is the reason for Shepard being able to keep going even if he knows how many lives it costs. He is a survivor. He has always been. And the memory of Akuze is raw and painful all of sudden. He shakes his head and kills another enemy, leaving the cover to head to next one. He would worry about Liara but the truth is that her Broker’s days have made her tougher than she was before. She will not get broken. And it feels good to be sure about at least something. He checks on Kaidan and to his relief he is unharmed also. Or the medi-gel has done its work – it doesn’t really matter right now. He will find out later.

They enter the Temple of Athame and despite the circumstances Shepard must admire that place. While examining the artifacts Liara feeds them with information. The peacefulness of the situation is somehow uncomfortable for Shepard. It doesn’t last for long, just until they find bodies with unusual wounds and then the beacon. He feels faint annoyance toward Asari keeping this in secret but there is no time for arguments. They are here and they have to play with cards that are in their hands.

**_Oh my God. Fuck. Fuck!_ **

Shepard is putting together the events that came after. They were talking with some Protheans’ VI when security protocols were activated. Arrival of Kai Leng. Illusive Man’s nonsenses about controlling the Reapers. Fighting Kai Leng. And failing.

He has failed and blood of millions is on his hands.

Shepard leans against his arm on the wall and watches flashing of the signal light announcing the incoming call. He cannot do that. He cannot say Asari councilor that their mission failed. That he failed. Eventually he cross the empty space and answers the call, leaning on railing. He needs its support.

And he needs it even more when he says: "We were defeated." The words are burning his throat. "We don’t know how to finish the Crucible." Death sentence.

He gives the councilor all information that she asks for and the call ends before he can say he is sorry. And he is sorry. As it could change anything. He stays alone in gloom.

Later EDI informs him that Asari forces are in full retreat and they need to leave. And Liara – her voice trembling and broken – tries to comfort him. She! HIM!

During their briefing it is the first time he raises his voice. Then the argument with Joker on the bridge... Shepard needs to calm down. But how could he? After what he did. Or rather after what he didn’t. Shepard flees to his cabin. The mirror in his bathroom is still broken and he avoids punching it again. He just splashes some icy water on his face. He knows his duty. As always he has to go to check on the rest of his crew, especially Liara.

But, God, he doesn’t want to do that. He doesn’t want to face their uncertainty and hear their comforting words. And he knows that these words will come because his crew is a bunch of amazing people regardless the species. He doesn’t want to go. And he goes. And as much as they try to make him feel better he hates them and sinks deeper and deeper to his depression. He wants to yell to them to stop. But he just grits his teeth and goes on. Only the conversation with Garrus brings him some relief. There is a reason for Garrus being his best friend.

And of course there are transmissions from Anderson and Hackett. He promised to have their backs in the beginning of this war and now he feels he failed to his word. But they are not angry or upset with him. And their encouragements are somehow easier to take.

In the end of the day he is finally sure he had his short talk with everybody aboard of Normandy. He is deadly exhausted. He feels he is about going to scream in frustration and pain if he has to talk to someone else. He wants to kill Kai Leng with his bare hands. He wants to get drown in his blood. He wants… It doesn’t matter what he wants. They are ordered to dry dock, even if they have the track of Cerberus. Hackett’s order.

**_Aye, aye, sir._ **

Shepard smashes data-pads from his desk and then leans on it, head bowed down.

"Why?" he asks indefinitely, whispering. And he hears the echo of Hackett’s words that were given earlier.

_Shepard, let me tell you something that I've learned the hard way. You can pay a soldier to fire a gun. You can pay him to charge the enemy and take a hill. But you can't pay him to believe._

"I don’t follow, sir," he says as he said before but this time only for himself. And there is the echo of Hackett’s voice in his head again.

_When you went up against Sovereign, there was no good reason to believe you'd win. But your crew didn't seem to care. They went along anyway. Your trip through the Omega-4 relay? That was a suicide mission if there ever was one. Yet there your crew was, standing beside you, proud to serve. Why? Because they believed in you, their leader! That's what I need now. Where we're taking them is likely to get pretty hairy, and I know you're the one who will get us to the other side._

Now he realizes he somehow understands these words. And the Galaxy, which was lying on his shoulders for years, becomes much heavier.

* * *

Kaidan enters captain’s cabin without invitation. Well, he tries to do that but the door is locked. It is strange. Shepard has never locked his door. Ever. And even if he has, he made a clearance for Kaidan because he is always welcome to come. To stay.

Kaidan frowns. "EDI, unlock the door of captain’s cabin please," he asks. He orders.

"Commander Shepard doesn’t want to be disturbed," EDI replies instead of obeying and Kaidan frowns even more. **_Yeah, obviously._**

"EDI, unlock the door on my responsibility," he demands.

There is a short while of silence when he wonders if EDI will do that or not. Then the door opens with quiet hiss. "Thank you, EDI," he says and enters the cabin as he planned to. Nobody is in Shepard’s _office_ , so he goes downstairs.

The bed is made and empty but it still remains Kaidan the nice moments they shared there. It is only a quick thought. It is not the right time and he is not in the right mood for thought like this one. Kaidan turns around and find Shepard in the couch area kneeling at the coffee table clearly preparing a long line of powder – all too absorbed to his activity that he probably missed Kaidan coming in. He shouldn’t be here still; the door was locked, even for him. And Kaidan realizes why.

"Don’t you even dare, Shepard," he growls rushing to commander. He uses his biotic power to throw Shepard away. Then he approaches the coffee table and simply blows. He doesn’t care about Red Sand disperses the whole room. When he stands, he clenches his fists. He is furious. Really furious.

And Shepard is watching Kaidan from the floor not trying to prevent him from anything, just opening his mouth to say something. Only a second later he finds himself to be pinned to the wall by the mass effect field.

"Is this what you want, Shepard? To dust up? To forget about all the people we left behind today?" Kaidan is screaming to his face obviously knowing what bothers Shepard so much that he would give up his effort to stay clean.

"No," Shepard answers immediately with urgency. But Kaidan cannot hear the honesty in his lover’s voice, being blind by rage. He reaches his hand and grasps Shepard’s neck. "I would rather kill you than let you give up," he says and squeeze.

Shepard is powerless, caught in the biotic field, unable to defend or fight back. Unable to breath. His vision becomes fuzzy and his head is spinning. He remembers the last time he felt this way and he thinks he liked it more last time, with Kaidan’s lips on his own. He hopelessly fights to reach Kaidan’s hand to, push it off of his neck, but he is not able to do that.

"Kaidan," Shepard whimpers breathlessly and he stops struggling, submits to Kaidan’s will, guilt whispering that he deserves this. "You… h-have… it… w-g," he tries one last time to unable to pronounce clearly.

Kaidan’s eyes are cold and Shepard thinks he really kills him right now. He can’t allow that. He can’t allow Kaidan to beat him for the wrong reason. "Kai…" he says and that is everything he manages.

Kaidan keeps squeezing his neck for few beats of his heart and then let his hand go and turns his biotics off. Shepard falls down on the ground and this time Kaidan doesn’t try to catch him. He turns his back to Shepard. "If this is what you want, Shepard, I am done with you," he says. Shepard can hear slight tremor of his voice and he definitely can senses the pain that gathers around Kaidan like some sort of dark aura. He doesn’t want to leave Shepard but he will do that because he cannot watch Shepard destroying himself.

"Don’t," Shepard says the only word he has in his mind except the Kaidan’s name.

Kaidan pauses and eventually turns around. "What?" he asks and there is no rage, just tiredness and sorrow in his voice and his eyes.

"Don’t go," Shepard pleases and even if it still difficult for him he stands up and approaches Kaidan. "Don’t leave me," he asks quietly.

Kaidan gives a deep sigh but doesn’t go. "What the hell were you thinking?" he asks and rubs his forehead warily. It is obvious to Shepard that Kaidan also suffers from their failure on Thessia and that the worries about Shepard on the top of it don’t do any good to him as well.

Shepard takes his hands. He would like to pull Kaidan to hug but he needs to read his face. "I am sorry, Kaidan," he is able to speak normally again. "I didn’t want to upset you and I didn’t mean to dust up," he says and waits for any response from his lover.

"I saw you," Kaidan states quietly but he is not arguing.

"You saw me kneeling at table and preparing the line," Shepard puts forward and pauses. "I just wanted to know if I can do it without dusting up," he adds.

Kaidan gives him a doubting gaze. They fall silent for a while. Then Kaidan asks why and Shepard smile faintly at him. If Kaidan bothers to ask he has to believe him a little bit.

"To know if I got over," he explains. "Today I feel…" he starts to elaborate but then Kai Leng is defeating him again and he lets go Kaidan’s hands, clenches his fists and grits his teeth. "I know how you feel," Kaidan reassures him, taking his hands back, desperately needing to hear more. Shepard nods but stays still for a while before he continues. "I am messed up the same way as I was after Horizon and after Mars. Maybe more," he says and pauses again. "No, not more," he shakes his head at himself. "I wanted to know if I was able to sit there with the Red Sand just few inches from me and not to take it. Not to run away from the pain…" he finishes finally.

Kaidan studies his face. He can hear the truth in Shepard’s voice; see the sincereness in his blue eyes. He nods. "It was fucking risky," he reproaches Shepard for his hazarding even if he understands the situation now. "Don’t do that again." It is half order, half plea.

"I won’t," Shepard smiles. "That was my last dose," he adds.

Kaidan cannot help himself and laughs. "I would tell you I will buy you a new one but I will not," he says when he stops laughing and Shepard kiss him gently. "You can compensate me for it some other way," he whispers to his ear and Kaidan laughs again. Shepard’s jokes are not as good as usually but it is such a relief to know that he haven’t broken down that Kaidan cannot stop laughing. And Shepard follows him.

When the spell of the moment is over, they sit on the couch and share few words about their future chances and the shore leave. And Kaidan makes also few notes about their future together after the war is over and Shepard can’t stop thinking about one more secret – the dark one – he hides from Kaidan, which could ruin their future very easily.

"I am sorry for what I did to you," Kaidan says disturbing Shepard thoughts.

"Huh?" Shepard doesn’t follow.

"The biotics," Kaidan explains.

And Shepard takes a deep breath and shakes his head. "I deserved it," he says. "For something else," he adds not to confuse Kaidan – confusing him, of course.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry that I let you wait so long for this.  
> And I am sorry even more for what you will find in this chapter.

Shepard is running up and down, back and forth. He is fighting, shooting, taking cover, heading to the next one, running, covering the wounds with omni-gel, aiming, shooting, fighting, fighting, fighting… And arguing with Aria, sometimes, far away from curious looks of her men.

Even if everybody does his best, the fight seems to be endless and Shepard misses Kaidan and Garrus by his side. With them it would be just another battle in many others but this way – forced to fight along almost complete strangers – he feels unsecure and uneasy.

In the end of a day Nyreen is dead and Aria is ready to kill General Petrovsky. Shepard doesn’t know if he is going to stop her or not. Surprisingly, she resists the urge to revenge on him for taking Omega from and Shepard appreciates it. What he doesn’t appreciate is the attention that Aria pays to his arousal; arousal that he even haven’t notice before. Still, when she mentions it, it’s there, covered by hard plates of his heavy armor, still there. **_Fucking Asari. They can sense everything._**

"You are so horny, commander! Is it the fight that turns you on?" she teases. "Or blood? Oh, now I understand why you are always so ready to answer every call!" Her laugh is more cruel than amused. And of course she doesn’t let it go so easily. "Well, right now there is probably only one human that could satisfy your needs," she states and throws Oleg at Shepard’s feet. "Go on," she encourages him and it is not because she would be aware of Shepard preferences, she is just ignorant to human’s sexuality as every mono-gender-species is.

General is kneeling hopelessly in front of Shepard. When he looks up at commander, his eyes reflect real concern. The fact that he seriously fears of Shepard raping him hits Shepard hard. Does he really look like he would be capable of that? He helps Petrovsky to rise to his feet. He wouldn’t admit that he enjoys the general’s anxiety but truth is he does.

 

"It was so tempting to… I wanted…"

"Shepard!" Kaidan cuts Shepard’s telling off with terror and disgust in his voice.

"Huh?" Shepard looks at Kaidan surprised, lost in memories of his mission on Omega.

They are sitting on the couch in Shepard’s cabin, leaving Citadel. It was busy and crazy shore leave, but the party in the end made all of them feeling better, fresh, and definitely more ready for another fight. He wanted to tell Kaidan earlier but he wasn’t able to compel himself to reveal… to ruin their time that they were allowed to spend together. But he cannot postpone it indefinitely, so today – right now – he is finally facing his Nemesis.

They stare at each other for a while.

"I didn’t do that!" Shepard defies when he realizes Kaidan’s thoughts. "I just wanted to tell you that I had been tempted to play along the Aria’s game. It felt so good to see his fear. I wanted to punish Illusive Man so badly for Horizon. For us. I knew that Petrovsky was just one of his general. Still. But I didn’t. I didn’t touch him, Kaidan. I am the Alliance soldier, for God’s sake!" Shepard is too stressed out to be able to explain himself calmly.

"Okay, Shep, okay. I believe you, calm down," Kaidan tries to comfort him but he feels confused. He started to think that he had understood. Now he knows nothing again and Shepard seems to be stressed out even more by Kaidan’s reassurance. Is it because of the trust part? They have overcome this, haven’t they?

Shepard concentrates on his breathing and thinks about the things that he is going to tell Kaidan. Unfortunately he cannot see any way he could make it less hurting. And it is too late to keep it just for himself. Would he, if not?

Shepard gives a deep sigh.

"When we came back to Citadel, I handed general Petrovsky over to the Alliance. I intended to go directly back to Normandy but… Well…" He doesn’t know how to do this. He shuts his eyes and rubs his eyes lids and then the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger. Then he inhales and goes on.

 

There is a secret club in the Lower Wards – elite society only, as he was told – and as far as one is willing to respect the house rules, almost everything can be found there. Or absolutely everything, it probably depends on the limit of your credit cards – he didn’t try. And it doesn’t really matter if one is interested in illegal weapons, slaves, narcotics or bloody fights... Shepard’s desires are simply. He could get them satisfied anywhere in Citadel and free of charges, but he is uninterested in eyeing the bars, wooing, drinks, talks. Especially talks. And he means to avoid hypocritical after-feelings and saying silly goodbyes like it has meant something.

He hates Aria for being right. He is horny and no way will he return to duty in this state of mind. He is tired of taking care of his own needs. He gets round the dancing floor and finds his way behind the bar to more private places. The guy leaning against the wall in the hallway is slight and delicate, handsome enough to be a model or something like that. And the discreet ring encircling stranger’s little toe tells Shepard that he doesn’t need to care about his health, status or preferences. He knows he can ask for stars and he will be satisfied.

Shepard smiles.

Sometimes it feels so right doing the wrong thing.

Commander waits until the man meets his stare and then he just gestures to unoccupied booth nearby. Young man nods simply and heads there without another prompting. Shepard admires the boyish sway of his hips and perfect ass that is asking him for being squeezed. He shakes his head at himself and frowns. This is definitely not the right place to lose it. He bits his bottom lip and follows the man. As soon as he is in, he shields the entrance and turns around to face his _companion_.

Young man opens his mouth to ask something but Shepard shakes his head immediately. "Don’t speak. Just don’t," he demands and stranger nods again. There is a while when Shepard doesn’t say or do anything else but, before it starts to feel awkward, he moves. His fingers are fast and capable while unbuckling man’s belt, unzipping his fly and taking his trousers down together with his boxers. Trousers drop to floor but boxers are left around his thighs. Shepard finds it hot, somehow.

Commander makes his boy to turn around to face the wall behind him and laughs when the man loses his balance because of the clothes twisted around his legs. Shepard doesn’t help him to control the movement, just prevents him from falling and presses his upper body and hands against the wall.

"Stay," he orders and young man shivers as Shepard’s hot breath brushes cold back of his neck, but obeys.

Shepard doesn’t waste his time stripping off his shirt and in the same way as with the man standing in front of him he simply pulls his trousers and shorts down halfway. But his jeans are tight and they remain on his thighs, so he is not struggling through them when he takes a small step and leans forward, grasping stranger’s hips, drawing them together. When it seems the man will move not only his legs and ass but his upper body as well, Shepard places his palm between stranger’s shoulder blades and pushes.

Quiet groan escapes from stranger’s lips as Shepard’s cock rubs against his ass. The man swallows and his body tenses in Shepard’s firm clinch; he shifts uncomfortably with anticipation of pain and Shepard has to hold him still again.

"Shhh," Shepard sooths his lover as he is not going to try to force an entry like this. He reaches for a bottle of lube that is standing on the coffee table behind them and uncaps it with a click sound that echoes loudly in otherwise quiet room. Shepard pours a liberal amount of the lube in his palm and wraps his hand around his eager flesh. The cool sensation sends the thrill through his body and he strokes himself several times before he works the first of his fingers inside of young man. In a short time he adds second one and later the third. Shepard is fingering the stranger fast, raring to replace his fingers with his cock.

Commander clenches hiss teeth not to moan when he finally enters his today’s lover and pushes himself deep inside. He senses the warmth and pressure and keeps still for several beats of his pounding heart. And then Shepard fucks the stranger without mercy, digging his nails in young man hips, dictating the pace. Desperate. Flash hits flash loudly as strangers obliges Shepard’s obvious need to make it hard and rough, careless.

Shepard throws his head back and squeezes his eyes shut, keeping the furious pace to his climax. But then the image of Kaidan flashes behind his closed lids and the mood is killed. Regardless Shepard’s best effort his cock softens gradually so much he is not able to stay inside so he pulls himself out completely. He grips strangers shoulders making him turn around again, forcing him to go down on his knees.

The stranger doesn’t refuse, he doesn’t even grimace at a bad taste when Shepard demands for him to take his soft cock between his lips. Young man just glances at Shepard briefly to meet his haunted expression before he starts to suck commander’s dick skillfully. Shepard buries his fingers in his lover’s hair to pretend that he is still in control of things.

Memories of general Petrovsky kneeling in front of Shepard flashes back, and then there is Kaidan again and Shepard doesn’t know how to suppress these thoughts, how to kick them from his head. He tries and squeezes stranger hair intensely as the emotions are boiling in him, threating for Shepard to lose the situation. It takes so long to make him hard again that Shepard wonders if it happens eventually. He wants to punch the guy even if he is aware of the fact that he does his best and more than Shepard would expect. Still, frustration grows in his body and fills its every cell.

And Shepard takes the first hint of hardness, knocks the guy on the coffee table, and hooks his arms under stranger’s knees, pulling him roughly until he can enter him again. And his lover is surprised by that sudden manhandling but doesn’t fight back.

Shepard’s simple needs seem to be unreachable right now. It doesn’t matter how much he tries to come, he is far away from that. And then it happens. He loses it. He drops the ball. Shepard lets the man’s legs slid to his chest, frees his arms and hits the man that is lying on his back, incapable of defending himself. And Shepard slaps and punches his boy’s face and body again and again and again until he reaches the climax and collapses forward.

He smells the blood and knows that he should get up, check on his lover and leave. And despite his exhaustion he does, eventually. He rises on his feet, pulls up the shorts on his dirty flesh and hides everything under his jeans.

The man is still lying on his back. There are scratches and bruises across his whole body and he is breathing fast and shallowly, eyes closed. His bottom lip is bleeding and there are tears in corners of his eyes. Shepard knows he should be horrified about himself, but he is strangely emotionless, empty. He would like to go down and hug the man, caress his cheeks and kiss his wounds. To take care. But he is not capable of doing so.

He put one of his credit cards next to his lover’s body, hesitates and adds another one. Then he leaves.

 

Shepard doesn’t remember when he got up from the couch and started to pace his cabin, but he stops now, showing his back to Kaidan, that is still sitting in the corner of the room. His quietness frightens Shepard. He doesn’t make a turn as he is not ready to face the man he loves after the bomb he has dropped.

He leans his right hand against thick glass of the fish-tank, absently watching movements inside. He hears Kaidan giving a sigh and the silent noises announce that he is getting up from the couch. Hesitant steps head in Shepard’s direction and pause just behind his back. Shepard bows his head and becomes stiff when Kaidan’s hand touches his shoulder.

"I am sorry," Shepard whispers, anticipating the worst.

In response to that Kaidan squeezes Shepard’s shoulder firmly. "Turn around John," he asks in very very low voice. "For me," he adds.

Shepard does as he was asked and Kaidan’s fingers lift his chin gently. Shepard needs all his courage to look in Kaidan’s whisky-colored eyes. He wonders what he finds there and is caught off guard seeing the deep sorrow instead of refusal, disgust or anger.

His voice is trembling slightly when he asks: "Are you going to leave me?"

Kaidan sucks in the short breath and they are gazing at each other. "I don’t know," Kaidan answers John’s question honestly after several minutes of thinking and Shepard nods imperceptible, not pushing Kaidan for more. He would wait for Kaidan’s decision forever.

Kaidan rubs his forehead. "I need a drink," he states.

Shepard glances to the coffee table in front of the couch where their glasses and half empty bottle of something are standing. Kaidan follows Shepard’s look but shakes his head.

"I will have one on the Crew Deck," he explains.

It's obvious that major wants to be alone and Shepard understands. He nods again and resists the urge to touch Kaidan, while Kaidan doesn’t seem to fight such dilemma. He strokes his CO’s scared cheek gently. "I will come back John," he promises.

"Will be waiting for you," Shepard leans forward slowly for Kaidan having a chance to avoid his touch. When he doesn't, Shepard presses his forehead against Kaidan's and exhales in relief. They stay like this several more minutes until Kaidan takes a step back, watching something behind Shepard's back and then leaving captain's cabin.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... honestly I intended to abandon this story but tonight I felt the urge to add few more words even if I feel the story has been already fucked up before... so.. don't know. You should probably just ignore me.

Kaidan pushes the button to summon the elevator and it is good for the button itself that he doesn’t need to wait long before the door opens and he is allowed in. He is even lucky enough to get to the Starboard Observation room without meeting anyone from Normandy’s crew. He is struggling to keep calm while the emotions are boiling inside him, threatening to consume him, so he focuses on his actions – precise movements, deliberate touches...

Kaidan pours himself a drink. He lifts the glass to his lips and that’s the time when his carefully maintained façade starts to crack. His hand holding the shot of whatever alcohol was in that bottle is shaking, he can hear nothing but the roaring of his own blood and his vision turns black on the edges. His sadness has been replaced by anger in the elevator already, but now… He’s not just angry, he’s furious. It feels like one particular moment back in the Brain Camp. Just this time it’s not Vyrnus, it’s Shepard and Kaidan hates his lover for making him feel this way.

Kaidan’s grip on the glass tightens and for a split of second he’s about to smash the glass against the wall. But that’s not who he is and so he doesn’t. He lowers his hand and put the glass back on the table with silent click of glass against the metal. He breathes deeply in and out, in and out… and at the end he slips down on the couch and hides his face in his palms. He’s tired. All these emotional twists today… they are too much even for him. He’s not sure if he loves Shepard or hates him, if he is disgusted or disappointed. Moreover he doesn’t know what to do now.

He tries to stop the massive deluge of thoughts and questions running through his mind and fails at every attempt. He thinks about Shepard’s Red Sand packages, about his risky behavior on the battle field and about Shepard pushing him away for weeks. He gradually rethinks every conversation they had after him coming back onboard Normandy. Somewhere along that he also remembers all the talks they shared before the original Normandy went down and all things that Shepard done for him and that makes him realize that it doesn’t matter what Shepard did after Omega.

But… He just… He just doesn’t understand why Shepard did something like that and that’s killing him. How could a man so kind and gentle in their bedroom do something like that in the first place?

Kaidan shakes his head at himself and laughs hysterically. Would he really prefer Shepard fuck that guy tenderly? He leans his back against the couch and bends his head backwards to stare at the ceiling. He is so confused. Should he feel betrayed anyway? Sure, he confessed his feelings to Shepard before that _incident_ but Shepard didn’t commit to anything at Apollo’s – not yet – so… They weren’t even a couple when his CO raped that poor boy, but… Why did he do that?

"Why?" Kaidan ask out loud and in that one simple word he says everything that is bothering him. He really needs to understand.

He is sitting there for several more hours and as his thoughts slowly calm down, it’s not about him anymore. Sure, it still hurts a bit, but pain is something that Kaidan is more than familiar with. He will coup. Now he simply worries about Shepard. He can see the big picture in which drugs and nightmares and highly questionable consent to harsh sex are just small pieces of whole puzzle and the realization what Shepard is going through is overwhelming.

Kaidan stands up from the couch and his knees and back let him know he was sitting here far too long. He disposes the alcohol that he didn’t even tasted and takes the glass with him to the Mess Hall where he puts it in the sink. That’s him, unable to leave dirty dishes on the table. He makes a quick stop at his locker and smiles, taking out the bottle that Shepard gave him back in the hospital. There can’t be better moment than right now. Besides he promised Shepard to come back and even if he didn’t believe that the it would be so early, he really has to see his lover right now.


End file.
